Manipulation.
It’s somehow easier to draw from the inner well of resilience when you’re in the thick of it. When there is no where else to go. Your outward world is too broken, too chaotic, too tumultuous and turmoil-filled. So you have no other choice but to retreat to inner peace. Or else.
I’ve found life has been distracting me more, lessening my resilience, this week. As I slowly release the chaos that’s unfolded in the last month (also, year), and allow myself to start preparing for this next cycle I can feel rumbling beneath the earth.
I know eclipse portals (in Scorpio!) are here to reveal what’s been concealed. They’re here to bring up all the last ounces of discomfort and truths you’re not ready to see, feel or face.
This doesn’t have to be a “bad” experience.
Sometimes it shows us how wonderful the truth of living can really be. It can be surprisingly joyful.
But sometimes it makes us squirm with discomfort and discord.
I definitely have a recovering people-pleasing wound.
Not in the typical nice-girl kind of way.
Most people would have no idea about it, because I’m that good with boundaries. (Too good, it can even come across as people-opposing. I’m defs not for everyone).
But my ego-Self hates being seen as the bad guy.
She doesn’t really care what else she’s seen as. As long as it’s not that. Because she tries so damn hard to simply have inner integrity, also to do right by everyone, everything, to be objective, to surrender her own wounding and zoom out to gain all perspectives (including my own), to make intuition-led decisions, to be at peace with her mistakes and processes, to not take on the burdens of the world around her, to base her decisions in unconditional kindness and generosity, but not tipping over into a sacrificial-martyr kind of way.
She tries so damn hard to do the good, right, true and beautiful thing. In all circumstances.
That she can feel so unseen when someone projects onto her, and she’s not recognised or honoured for all of that “goodness” ^^ (A Human Design Projector’s worst literal nightmare wound).
But here’s the catch —
Trying so hard.
You heard those words right?
Here’s another word for you, that’s sitting in the same boat for me this week: manipulation.
Manipulation is one of those words that carries a charge. Like it’s a bad or dirty or secretive thing that should not be owned or admitted to. And yet, it’s all working towards the same endpoint.
Transmuting energy from one form into another, to create an outcome.
In a Generator (Human Design) world, at least “trying hard” is kind of accepted a bit more as a good thing. Because it’s putting energy into working for something you want. The striving world is till revered in that way.
But as with all things, it’s all in the intention and motivation of the energy. The frequency it holds.
There is no such thing as trying. You either do, or you don’t. - Yoda.
This year, on almost all levels of my being, I’ve been thrust into situations where I’ve had the choice to try and control and manipulate the situations to create an outcome that “I think” is most desirable (for all)…
… Or let go completely, and just allow things to take their natural course and see where it leaves me on the other side.
I’ve been practicing choosing the latter. It doesn’t came as easily for me.
Now, apparently I have an evolutional past-life “skip step” around control - so please feel sorry for me, because this hasn’t been a fun one to unpack. (I joke - about the pity party, that is).
Essentially though - my soul has a very strong need to learn to surrender.
Learning to fall back, and be carried.
Be carried by pleasure, rather than trying to contain it into a box.
Being carried by community, rather than trying to go it alone.
Be carried by God, rather than trying to make life happen the way you want it to.
Ah.
That last one.
… rather than trying to make life happen the way you want it to.
It’s no secret to people that know me, that I’m pretty good at getting what I “want”. Not in a childish stubborn kind of way (although, as I’ve already highlighted, sometimes I can defs dig my heels in for the sake of a healthy boundary). But more like a magical alchemy manifesting kind of unicorn way (or so I prefer to see it). It’s always been this way for me.
When I was younger, it was unconscious. I could always just see the path intrinsically.
When I got older, I became more aware that I was manifesting, and it became less instinctual.
“Strategist” used to be my number one Gallop Strength, when I cared about those sorts of quizzes. I could always find and see the way from where I was, to where I wanted to go, and knew not only how to alchemise the energy and form to get there - but I also know that I could.
I have done a lot of things in my life, simply because I can.
These days, I am in the game of not doing things in my life, because in our world - it’s become harder to simply be and be less, than to do and do more.
And lately, I have realised how much I still try to manipulate my life.
How I’m perceived. How to avoid suffering. How to bring peace into my family dynamic. How to teach my children about empathy. How to control what I do / don’t do with my body and mind.
These are not bad, shady or dirty things.
I am an active participant in my life - creating, shaping, alchemising… manipulating.
But this eclipse season, I’ve become aware that a huge source of my suffering over this last month (but probably forever) is my desire to manipulate outcomes into “the best ones”.
But I reflect - who am I decide that?
I am not in the business of playing God.
I am not the decider of other soul’s journeys. Their life, or their death. I am not to judge what is “best” or “right” for another person and their unique path in any given moment. Their timing. Their hurdles. Their success. Their happiness.
I can only honour and allow.
Whilst I am, of course, an orchestrator in my own soul’s journey, I am reminded that my peace comes from leaning into the mystery, the magic, the trust and surrender.
So fluffy, I know.
How many times have you heard Trust and Surrender. Blahhh.
But in the cleaves of sleepless, anxious lucid nights, this week — I got the message loud and clear: There is no integrity in manipulating.
Do not try to create the outcome you want.
That you think is best. Even if you think you’re doing it with integrity.
Just let it be.
Let it unfold.
Trust and be carried.
I knew this was the message for the next layer of unpeeling, remembering, for my own journey.
But it was also a message for the Collective. For you too, reader.
How we all ought to release our grips a little more from this material plane.
I laid in bed this morning, as I wrote this. Today is the Funeral. The children are outside playing with their precious Nanny (my mum), my husband is helping set up the House for the celebration after, and I’m alone.
I have a sinking, sickly feeling in my stomach. I’m not ready for this day. I feel scared and vulnerable. I feel heavy carrying the burdens of those around me in the material world. I feel worried that my love will be perceived wrongly. I feel responsible for other people’s hearts.
I feel an enormity of emotions in this moment.
But I take a breath in, I release these fears and thoughts. I trust.
They were some of the final words I said to Her — I trust you so deeply to do what you need to do. I trust you so deeply to go if you need to go, stay if you need to stay. I trust that whether I’m here, or not here, or you are here, or not here, these are just bodies and that our souls are always together in Oneness, no matter what happens on the material plane.
I trust that whatever unfolds next, is exactly how it needs to be.
I am conduit for healing and love on Earth, just by being.
So, I surrender my ego's own agendas, even for goodness - and simply let myself be carried today.
Carried by the expansiveness and unity of all that is divinely unfolding.
For otherwise, it is simply agitation… and manipulation.