For such a long time, I have felt that I’ve been juggling so many balls. Trying to keep them all in the air. As I’ve slowly stripped away my earthly life, and opted for a spirit-led life instead, I’ve let go of more and more balls. These days, I have less balls in the air than I’ve ever had. But the juggle is still real.
I don’t have multiple businesses, multiple babies under 2, endless to-do-lists, house renovations, garden renovations, caravan renovations, mortgages and debts, multiple charity projects, etc, anymore.
Then he said, “Beware! Guard against every kind of greed. Life is not measured by how much you own.” … “Sell your possessions and give to those in need. This will store up treasure for you in heaven! And the purses of heaven never get old or develop holes. Your treasure will be safe; no thief can steal it and no moth can destroy it. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.
— Luke 12:15,12:33-34
I still have children. I still have a husband and a marital relationship to tend. I still have a family to stay connected to and with. I still have a small and simple home to manage. I still have finances to be wise and generous with. I still curate and lead our homeschooling activities. I still homemake and homestead. We still go on adventures. I still maintain a social life. I still do things for myself. I still read, learn, expand, pray. I still have a body to look after.
It’s true that now that I have less on my plate, I have more space, time and energy to tend to the things I already have more deeply and intentionally.
But it’s also true that life is still a juggle of priorities.
It’s simple to say, that prioritising different things does not yield equal results.
That’s why they’re priorities after all.
We must choose what is more important to us, over something else. Every choice has an impact and an outcome - both on what we receive when we choose it, and what we lose when we don’t choose something else.
Does one choose to be homeless over feeling united in oneness and lost in love with their lover?
Does one choose to live in filth and dirt and yet at least their children feel the joy of having their mama be totally immersed in play with them?
Does one choose to leave a legacy of wealth for their children or live a possession-less life filled only with The Spirit and trust in God?
It sounds extreme and ridiculous when I write it like this, but truth be told, your sympathetic nervous system probably feels that it’s pretty accurate. Good ole’ fight n flight. It can usually be found at the root of most of our decision making processes and the rationale for doing or not doing something.
Sure, some people believe you can “have it all”. But even that comes at the cost of something, I assure you. There is always an opposing cost to everything.
“No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and be enslaved to money.”
— Matthew 6:24
It’s a different kind of courage, to choose the path of God over the path of the flesh.
Often times, when we are juggling the balls of life, we have to choose which ones to drop in order to keep others afloat. More often than not, we drop the ones that we “take for granted”, like our marriages and intimate relationships. “They’ll be there”, so in our time of overwhelm, we feel like we can let that one go - so we can focus on our health, on our career, on our children, basically everything else.
Something happens though, when we reprioritise certain things over other things.
Look.
When we prioritise getting our homes sorted (cleaned, etc), over our children, there is suffering (think: tantrums, frustration, impatience, disconnected nervous system)
When we prioritise our careers, over our marital relationship, there is suffering (think: separation, competition, bitterness, needs feeling unmet).
But it doesn’t translate the other way.
When we prioritise health and happiness in our most meaningful Godly relationships (particularly our spouses and our children, but also even our parents and siblings), over “the other things”, the other aspects of our life start thriving too.
How about that?
I made a decision earlier this year that I would not move forward in my life until all my ducks were in a row. It wasn’t so much a decision, but more of a calling which I chose to follow. My intention and purpose for this year was no longer about deconstructing (as it was last year), but about tidying up the aftermath of the deconstruction process. Tying up all the loose ends.
This looked like many things in the material world (I’ll talk about later).
But one of the strongest messages I got was — do not prioritise anything else over your marriage.
Quite specific.
It probably took me the first half of the year to even “get it”.
It probably took me the first half of the year to wiggle, squirm and justify all the other more important things that needed prioritising or tying up first.
It probably took me the first half of the year to try and blame my husband for not prioritising our marriage over other things, instead.
Until I got it.
Until I realised that my biblical responsibilities as essentially a helpmeet for man, required my full and undivided prioritisation.
So… whoa.
I decided I would not move forward in my life, in any direction, until my marriage was 100% thriving in the Godly sense. No matter how long it took.
I’ve come to settle into the belief that marriage might be one of the most important things, ever.
The unity of man and woman, as one flesh.
Literally the point of God’s grand creation plan.
That, and unity with God himself of course.
I know this is pretty counter-cultural. I’ll expect a few unsubscribes after this post.
We’ll have to have a proper 1:1 chat, to discuss the millions of nuances around this topic, if you’re feeling any sense of agitation or strong inner opposition.
I know the world is obsessed with trying to play God and override our perfect, humanly design for life-bearing and life-creation, interfering on every level of our existence in what is already perfect and natural. It’s been this way since “the fall”.
Y’all know that I really feel strongly that we are moving as fast as possible away from what it means to be a purely “organic” (aka, real) human, to some form of machine-led existence, where the simplest truths of life are blurred and confused and distorted. And I think that’s the problem in thereof itself. (I actually read this morning of the first lab embryo created that had neither sperm nor egg in it’s creation. Awesome, huh? A human, that literally came from a lab)
But that’s for another day.
For today, it’s simply just that — God made me a woman, and God made my husband a man, and we came together in our divine unity, to be One Flesh, through our marriage and birth of our children.
And that needed to be put right back up to the top of the priorities list.
It needed to be celebrated and honoured, and be the very foundation for the rest of our lives.
Are we there yet?
One flesh?
Yes and no.
But here’s what I do know… my marriage has transformed.
A marriage that many might already say was a “good marriage”. We have always loved and respected each other, we help each other, we have good communication, we share the same vision and goals in life and for our family, we cohabit excellently, we coparent excellently (most of the time). We’re a team and unit and generally harmonious.
But we have still been operating at the individual level, in separation.
Not really getting the “one flesh” idea.
Which has resulted in big moments, feeling lost and empty, throughout the years, especially when the other stresses of life took their toll (and as our marriage wasn’t at the centre and priority of our lives, it naturally took its toll and suffered too).
For many years, based on the conditioning of my life and the times I grew up in, I was still holding on to my need to be in control, be strong, independent, the initiator, the “boss” in my relationship with a man… embodying all sorts of masculine archetype characteristics (rebelling against the seemingly oppressive history of womanhood). And in turn, my husband yielded to find himself in many of the more feminine archetype characteristics, to match.
Nature is always trying to find harmony and balance, after all.
All that aside, we had behaviours that that reinforced separation.
Subtle things.
Things I couldn’t even explain here because they’re not relevant to anyone else, but us.
It was these things that left a subtle, unidentifiable feeling of lack and void between us, and ultimately created conflicts.
My husband and I have worked hard at our marriage and our own personal growth over the last 12 years together. But generally, when things would pop up they’d be the same cycles, the same patterns, the same wounds, the same issues - just presenting in different ways, with us having different tools and communication to overcome them. But never actually going away, for good.
There is a saying - the first thing you fight about in a relationships, will be the thing you always fight about. This has certainly been true for us.
But it has all really came down to the root cause of a sense of separation, and a lack of commitment to being “one flesh”.
It turns out, when we embody this idea, we thrive. Who’d a thunk it?
Everything thrives. Our intimacy, our children, our motivation in the home, for fitness, friends, career, impact, service, everything. Our cup overflows.
Prioritising our marriage, means prioritising our purpose. Our fundamental humanness, in God’s design. Not the design of the World, constructed by the socio-cultural norms of the time.
In a world where we are encourage to be “everything”, we forget that the most important thing to be is who were literally designed to be. God’s child, and one flesh with our person.
And the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh.
— Mark 10:8
The calling and intention to “get my ducks in a row” this year has felt like, as my friend Peta calls it, a clamp on my wheel.
You. Are. Not. Going. Anywhere. Until. The. Basics. Are. Sorted.
At the most fundamental level of your existence.
It’s been a time of tying up all the loose ends still dangling from a previous life.
It’s been a time of finally sewing and fixing all the things in my “needs fixing” pile.
It’s been a time of finishing craft projects that I started (literally years ago).
It’s been a time of releasing anything that I know I will not start / finish anytime soon.
It’s also been a time of sorting out old tax returns, wills, company structures, old financial patterns.
It’s been a time of truly looking after what I have, and making sure it’s “complete”.
Taking my earthly life and wrapping up in a neat, tidy and organised bundle.
The amount of times this year I’ve been asked, enticed or desired something more, new or different… and said no.
It’s not been right.
The desire to travel to new places, the desire to write more Substack posts, create new projects, seek “what’s next” in our life…
But I’ve said no.
Because I heard God call me to stay put until I had all my ducks in a row.
Until the most fundamental level of my life and existence had ‘had a works’ done.
Until it was not put on another to-do list, as it was not something to prioritise - because it was the priority.
My marriage, my children, my family, my home, my health.
The basics. The foundation.
Our human purpose and potential is based in the quality of our relationships.
At the end of our lives, that’s the only thing anyone ever cares about on their death bed. The people they loved, and those that loved them. Who they’re leaving behind, not what.
(And where they’re going next - a post for another time)
The rest is simply a distraction, from the enemy.
What discipline it has taken to stay on course, and put my trust and faith in God’s plan for my marriage, and get out of my own way. To stop trying to control any aspect of it - including my husband and how he shows up in our marriage.
In fact, one of the biggest revelations for me has simply been that how I show up in my marriage is between me and God. How my husband shows up in our marriage is between him and God. We both have to go up, directly, to the Source, when we are unhappy, unfilled, angry, frustrated and talk to the Big Man himself about it. Our purpose is to serve, love, honour each other in our own unique man and woman ways and roles. And allow God to make changes in our self and life, to make that possible.
What if the other person won’t show up? What if they won’t do the work? What if they won’t talk to God? What if how they’re showing up isn’t how you want it?
Well, we have faced all this (and more) too.
Mine and my husbands journey has not been the same, united or on the same timeline during many periods, that’s for sure! It still isn’t in many ways. There have been times of much patience and prayer as the other walked their own journey (in what felt like a completely different direction).
But by putting faith in God’s intention for our marriage, above all, above our worldly wounds, ego and needs, can ease the frustration and impatience.
Christ-like patience and acceptance for your spouse to walk their own walk, and trust they’ll show up eventually (hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades later…) is part of understanding the idea of One Flesh. It might even be the hardest part. But perhaps the most important.
In these last months, we have finally come to a point of convergence.
We have had a new found revival of our marriage.
We have found more love, more intimacy, more connection than we ever have.
We have more blood rushing for each other than teenagers.
Because another part of marriage that often gets neglected is sex.
The world tells us we need to have as much sex as possible before marriage, and then marriage is where sex comes to die. The idea of having sex every day or many times a week 12 years into marriage might seem ridiculous for some. Who has time for that?!
You’ve got way too many other priorities, right?
But I’ve found enormous freedom in the belief that partaking in your ‘marital duties’ is not simply a ‘duty’ to your husband, but also part of your duty to God. And the point of our existence here as humans.
Pleasing your husband, and being pleased by your husband is not actually a matter of the flesh, but a matter of honouring God. A matter of The Spirit.
So when you understand God’s plan for marriage, you realise that the worst sex you’ll ever have could should be the sex on your honeymoon! Because, if you live in God’s design, it can not only get better and better for the rest of your life, but that one of the most important parts of being a human, is sex. Intimacy. God-like pleasure that comes from the unity of One Flesh.
God wants you to have healthy, intimate sex with your spouse.
Permission, encouragement and motivation to do it.
To have a healthy marriage.
To put your priorities in order.
It’s essential. People have written thousands of books on this stuff, so I won’t.
But now you know what I’ve been doing instead of writing Substack posts…
I’ve been prioritising lots of sex! Haha
Well, more accurately, I’ve been prioritising unity, oneness and becoming one flesh with my husband and embodying my womanly role in our marriage, so my husband can embody his role as the man more freely, too.
We read in a Christian marriage book called “Married Sex”, one of the best ways to start your day is with a naked, surrendered cuddle. Simple.
I dare you try it for 30 days, and see what happens. Report back ;)
* * *
Truthfully, I still don’t have all of my ducks in a row. It’s ongoing. For now.
Small, insignificant things to most people - basic things - that I feel strongly need completion and wholeness and their loose threads tied up.
I feel like I was born again this last year. That life started afresh and anew for me.
New wisdom, new integrations, a new way of living and seeing the World.
This time round, God is calling me to lay the foundations solidly so the house does not crack.
Slowly.
Beautifully.
One piece at a time.
“Anyone who listens to my teaching and hears them is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock. But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t hear them is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.”
— Matthew 7:24-27
* * *
Today I’m sitting here writing to you under the shade of an old Tamarind tree in the Kimberley. It’s a mild 29C, which feels refreshing after the 39C and hot desert winds we had earlier in the week.
My husband is off running our Surf Program with the local schools and communities, part of a non-profit we run. My children are running around playing. I made myself an iced-dirty chai and picked up my laptop. Fresh flowers on our camping coffee table. Sitting in my Moon Pod. Bower bird hunting and calling. Incense burning. Slight onshore breeze starting to come in. Flies everywhere.
Everything today, is complete already. I sat in prayer and stillness and I was called to write.
I’ve not felt able to write here for a long time.
I mean, I’ve wanted to. Many times. I just haven’t wanted to add to the clutter of the digital world, honestly. I’ve also felt that the emotional energy it took, would take me away from my other priorities. Travelling, enjoying being with my family, focussing on my marriage, focussing on my own health and wellbeing, being present in my real world life.
That last point in particular - my real world life.
This point, is “my ministry” if you will.
Our life, our connection with God, our purpose — it’s not found here in the machine-led world.
This part of our life, this part where we communicate and connect digitally, at some point, has to be phased out completely. I know this with all my being.
At some point, I’ll probably put more energy into helping others with this and truly advocating this. It’s a fire burning within me so strongly.
We shall see.
All that said, I’ve missed you xx
Stories of Sunrise is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and / or support this work, consider becoming a free subscriber or paid patron.
Loved reading this darling ! Especially the end part when you spoke of where you wrote- balmy Broome time 🧡
I can very much relate to creating the foundations ... feels so good to be completing and tying loose ends ! And setting us up this way before I call in my husband . Next month is for finishing off this home project , getting power and bathroom sorted and remembering how to flirt again 👏
Our homeschool flow is so so beautiful in our new space 🥰
Love you guys x
Oh YES. I started reading this and couldn't "put it down". I can feel myself so much in these things about "marriage" - but for me it's my relationship with my boyfriend. As we're soon having a baby I can feel the "roles" shifting into more traditional ones and accepting that - even if society tells me I "shouldn't" because I'm a strong independent woman!!
Your writing inspired me to lean into these roles more, the structure that is "God's way", because that is just what is right (and it feels right too!) Prioritising my foundation and letting everything else fall away because it just isn't as important.