Capacity IS the currency.

I shared these words, capacity is your currency, with a friend in a back and forth of lengthy voicemail tennis last week. I laughed and said, “Oomph, they’re good and true words — I should write a post about this!”.

I was on my phone a lot last week.

Something that truly irks me like nothing else.

(Sidenote: My mother is delivering my new dumb phone tomorrow, and I cannot wait to unplug once more from the insatiable grips of a smart phone, and the paradoxical connection voids it creates in real daily life. The excitement is real. That said, I’m glad technology made it possible for me to be there for people, when I couldn’t be physically… but I know the times are coming, where that has to change, and we just need to be there physically for each other, full stop. And we need to stop living lives that perpetuate any other different reality).

I went on a prayer walk earlier last week and asked for the fortitude to stay focussed on my own connection to Spirit, my own devotion to my family and home and children, and to not be distracted by other people’s lives and concerns. I could feel there was a lot in the field, and I wanted to opt out of it.

But the message I got was — No, sorry, you’re needed, and you need to show up fully right now for Others. People that you love need help and healing, and you’ve got to be a big or small part of that in some way. Your family will be held and okay whilst you tend to this. Your heart is needed, in the hearts of others — so that we may collectively attune closer to the heart of God.

Missionary style, you might say (not the sexy kind of missionary).

So I listened.

I’m getting better at listening.

Both to God, and to the unspoken needs of others.

But it resulted in me being on my phone for significant number of hours (way too many hours) and delivering all the last emergency meals I had stored in my freezer for people in need and no time to cook more.

I still felt I ended up a little shorthanded in what I could offer.

But I did my best.

I worked to best of my capacity.

And when I reached the threshold of that capacity, I shared honestly with people that I needed to press pause and take a minute to recalibrate and restore, before I keep giving more. And now, I turn inward to my family, as I prayed I would. All in the right timing. With as many gifts given in the richest currency that was possible for me, during a big time.

The “Equinox Week” last week, was a big week.

Most people I know have been going through a big time, of sorts.

Big shifts. Big things. Bigness all round.

The Equinox is a time of harmony and balance - or a time where we are illuminated to what is out of harmony and balance in our lives. The March Equinox, to me, is probably the most powerful and potent date of the year, followed closely by Easter. In both southern and northern hemispheres, it has always been one of the most important dates of the year in almost all ancient cultures, religions and spiritual traditions. It marks the official astronomical and astrological "New Year". It is the measurement point of both Solar and Sidereal time. It is the determining date for Easter.

It’s special.

It’s an oomph kind of time, if your soul needs it to be.

A common theme that came up with many of the (mostly mums) that I was talking to was the idea capacity.

Women with big visions, big decisions, big life-changes, big rock bottom moments, and so forth, but either have NO (or doubt their) capacity to handle it all.

* * *

In the same pre and post Equinox window, I also had a beautiful conversation with a friend, who had her first baby later in life (38 years old, or so), and went through menopause early, and ended up parenting a young child through menopause. She is on the other side of it now, and she shared an interesting perspective with me —

She expressed, that she believed society has got it so wrong encouraging young women to go out there and “make something” of themselves in their 20’s.

In our 20’s all we need is connection.

It is the greatest disservice to our souls and society to put ourselves at the centre of our lives in this season. This is the season of motherhood. Maidenhood naturally starts and ends 0-25, and whether we have kids or not, motherhood begins at 25-50. It is a time of living in service to our hearts and families and the children archetype. Tending to home and foundations. It is the time of giving up The Self (giving up our bodies, the greatest offering of all, to create new life). We must know connection. Without this connection and losing of our ego Self, we will never truly know or find our true Self, or be of true service beyond that.

There is the one piece of advice I always give first time mums (who usually don’t like to hear it) — the surest and fastest way to postnatal depression, anxiety, mastitis and so on, is to hold on to any aspect of your former Self. The sooner you let that person “die”, the faster you’ll land into the joy and peace of your new season.

This was advice I too received as a new mum, and listened to, and now appreciate it was the most powerful thing any one ever shared with me in my transition from maiden to mother.

By the time we reach menopause, the final season, we are ready, as women, to contribute to the world, at 50+.

At this age, we become the wise women. We are the crones. The elders.

It is in this season we should be writing our books, talking on stages, writing critical thinking pieces of knowledge that shape the World, undertaking holistic science, sitting on global leadership panels, leading countries, hosting women’s circles and retreats, and more.

It becomes our time to shine, to contribute.

It becomes our time where we have capacity to be of service to the world beyond us.

It is a time, as my friend shared, that we don’t have capacity to mother anymore, and trying to mother her child whilst going through menopause (and then after it as a Crone) was one of the greatest, incongruent challenges of her life.

Incongruence.

And what I see so many capable, intelligent, brilliant women of my season and generation doing — is instead of honouring that they are in the season of having capacity to mother (and probably not much else, lets be real), they try to over extend themselves and do everything else.

They talk about “their soul work”, their “purpose”, their “gifts”, their “impact” they talk about these much greater visions to serve humanity (as I said, they’re brilliant women).

I also identified as one of these women, myself.

But where I (and they) came unstuck is that I just simply didn’t have the capacity for this kind of work. Especially not whilst also mothering to my fullest capacity.

And honestly, I think my friend was dead right.

That kind of work is best served to and by women who have completed their mothering phase, and are in their crone phase.

Running businesses, running community projects, running events, running digital brands, running all sorts — just wait.

Patience, is what I feel like saying.

Your time will come.

Even writing this Substack could be in this category.

Of course, I understand if you must do these things out of necessity and your circumstance, and that is part of a much bigger conversation of systemic issues and symptoms of our current society, that allow mothers to end up so unsupported they don’t have another choice.

But I see two very common trends of new mothers (in the newborn to under 7 category). Including (and usually) visionary, educated, insightful and brilliant women who have HEAPS to contribute to the world on so many levels, and are a huge gift to society and community in their Being —

1. Running a digital business / personal brand / online shop, etc. I get why this seems like a brilliant idea to do, especially as a new mother. Online! It’s so easy. “You don’t have to put your kids into childcare”. You can still have a career / purpose. You can still make money. You can still do all the things! I also naturally found myself falling down this road. And you can do it all from your phone. What could possibly go wrong with the idea of spending heaps more time on your phone WHISLT having your kids around?

2. Starting some kind of alternative education / bush kindy / family daycare scenario. Mums not into the digital thing often opt for this more practical, hands-on scenario. Which also seems like a brilliant idea! There is usually an enormous gap and need for this in their community, they’re doing it anyway with their kids, other people need it too, it creates connection, and they get to do something they’re passionate about. What could possibly go wrong for trying to hold space for 10 other families, both children and other mothers (on your own), when you can barely hold space for your own?

3. I feel I need to add a third category of wellness related ventures here too — whether it be blogging, a wholefoods shop, health coaching, wellness practitioner etc. For similar reasons above. You are passionate about this — and now you’ve “got time!” You’re not enslaved to your maiden 9-5 career, there is a need, wellness is crucial, you’re passionate about it for your own family, so may as well make it accessible to others at the same time (and why not make some money from it!). What could possibly go wrong with helping heaps of other people be happy and healthy, when you only had just enough capacity to make yourself and your kids healthy and happy?

Now, my reflections are not judgements, I promise.

They are expressions of my own lived experiences, if I’m honest.

I’ve been there. I’ve walked the path.

My qualm with these things above have nothing to do with the ideas themselves. But it’s the part where we try to take it on and do it ourselves, with small children on our own, completely beyond our capacity. With our relationship / marriage falling apart. With our home untended to, outsourced to others. With our parenting stretched and fuelled with impatience, frustration and breakdown. With everything that this season is about (aka, connection) on the back burner.

Connection doesn’t start in a women’s circle.

It starts in your heart, right here, right now, at home.

(Actually, it starts with God, and you don’t need a women’s circle for that either).

P.S. I LOVE women’s circles, by the way.
They have their place, don’t get me wrong.

But very few women in the early season of motherhood have the capacity to do these kinds of things I mentioned above.

Including hosting circles.

This really should be reserved for the Crones.

I hosted a Blessingway the other day, and it knocked me for six for a whole week after.

I’m glad I did it for this woman. She deserved it deeply.

But holding space is massive.

Now, I’ve definitely met some (very few!) women who can hold space for all of the above, from a place of total abundance, in the early season of motherhood.

But I don’t celebrate those women for having the capacity to “do it all”. I do celebrate them for honouring their capacity. As I celebrate the woman who chooses not to start or keep undertaking that massive project, because she chooses to honour her capacity, too.

That’s where the gold and honour lie.

There is no honour in “doing it all”, or even just “doing a bit more”, if it’s beyond you.

Since I have had the courage to surrender many of these things myself for the most part, I feel much more in alignment with the flow of life.

I have had to become more dependent.

I have had to become less self-sufficient.

To do so.

So counter-cultural, I know.

(But that’s a whole other post - one I’ve actually already half written).

It was not easy to let go of every aspect of my ego Self that defended and believed that somehow and some way I needed to do these things… now, in this season.

That I needed more.

More than the truth of my season and my capacity.

* * *

I made a decision I would honour my journey from maiden to mother.

And I have recently made a decision I would honour my journey from mother to crone.

It’s taken me 5 years to realise what that has truly meant, and I’m sure I’ll keep deepening as I go.

With my first baby, I walked into it with grace, as I naively gave motherhood 100% of my capacity, and gave a little bit to other things (still within my capacity). I didn’t suffer any post-natal depletion, as is common with 99% of new mothers these days. So much so, that I was ready to have another baby almost immediately after. We waited not because of capacity, but because I was waiting for a “sign” from God and the little soul spirit for the right timing.

Eventually, 9 months later (which felt like eternity) we got the sign, and conceived our second baby. Except this time, I fell back into old maiden-like do-it-all patterns and behaviours. I carried more and more, seeking more and more, extending myself way beyond my capacity. Circumstance and scarcity over-ruled me. Instead of releasing the “extra” things I was giving energy too, which was probably necessary considering I was adding another child into the mix (with a baby in hand), and surrendering into the “motherhood season” deeper… I added more to my plate.

And this is one of my greatest ‘regrets’ / lessons of my life to this day.

How I handled this time.

Needless to say, I got mastitis with my second baby after birth, and a whole suite of other depletion-related warning signs.

My body was screaming at me too.

What a contrast it was to my original experience. But I learnt both the beautiful and the hard way, and I can tell you - the beautiful way is a much nicer path of discovery.

Now, I hope that I will waltz into my crone season without being depleted from trying to do it all, too early, in this season.

I am committed to unwinding this. But the temptation and impatience is real.

I remind myself, depletion and capacity are interwoven deeply.

For many, it is indoctrinated into us that we must be purposeful, we must fulfil our soul work, we must be generous, we must be in service, constantly. And we are not worthy somehow, if we’re not.

Now whilst I’m totally about being in service in the Jesus kind of way.

(Don’t need a worthiness badge for that one)

I also understand I was not born human, and born God, like Jesus.

I was born human.

And I know when I ignore my capacity, dress it up as something it’s not, and keep wishing I was in a different season than I am, I suffer.

And suffering is directly linked to ego.

So if I’m suffering, it’s clear that my motivations aren’t truly honest, in the Jesus kind of way. They’re something else behind them.

Now, this is beyond a conversation of the new-age cop out of “honouring yourself”. I think sometimes you have to do the hard and difficult thing that musters every inch of your being, because it’s necessary for integrity. Because you made a promise or commitment that you need to honour. I think sometimes we need to take ourselves out of the centre of our lives (and put God there instead), and just show up because it’s right (whether we feel like it in the moment or not). Sometimes we need to carry and bear the burden of the heaviest weights. But what matters more than what, is how.

Capacity is not something just fleeting, in the moment.

It’s not about whether you feel like it or not, on Tuesday night.

It’s about whether you can or not, and what happens if you do.

Let’s make some distinctions —

Giving beyond your capacity is not purpose.

Giving beyond your capacity is not soul work.

Giving beyond your capacity is not noble.

Giving beyond your capacity is not generous.

Giving beyond your capacity is not virtuous.

Giving beyond your capacity is not love.

When we go and give beyond our capacity we must look to our motivations — are we deluding ourselves, motivated by a false reality? Unconscious obligation and fear?

A wound in our ego of not being enough?

Yes, sometimes we have to push and stretch ourselves to reach a new height, to expand to a new depth, or create the space for new.

But at the moment we go beyond the point of our capacity, and we stretch into sacrifice and scarcity, we have already lost and failed, at whatever it is we are seeking to remedy - individually and collectively.

We must start with love.

Only once we are love, can we give love.

We need to honour our season.

We need to honour our capacity.

Capacity first, not more.

Only from here, we can truly be of service.

Of integrity.

When we give from a place of honouring our capacity, we are not over-giving, we are not depleting. Instead we are increasing life-force.

Increased life-force flows further.

Being in service, and generating life-force, are synonymous.

Being in service gives as much to the receiver, as to the giver.

In fact, it often gives more to the giver.

Because it cycles back around twice.

Giving beyond our capacity is life-force depleting.

Depletion is not love.

Not in a moment-to-moment sense.

Not in the convincing yourself by “the high” in the aftermath of a big event and achievement or the lives we’ve touched or impact we’ve created in the lives of others.

But in the realisation that happens in the crash, in how many weeks of chaos you need to sort out after, in a state of total depletion afterwards.

Even if our minds try to convince ourselves otherwise, our bodies will scream at in the form of exhaustion, anxiety, illness, collapse and disconnection.

Our spirit will feel the void.

(And not the Godly kind of void Deepak Chopra talks about).

Disconnection. Incongruence. Lack.

Instead of harmony, balance, equanimity and Oneness. Peace.

Being in the greatest of service has nothing to do with how many lives we touch or how dramatically we disrupt the system to create something “new”, but it comes from how much peace we carry in our hearts, in our bodies and our being.

It is our peace that creates the most powerful ripples.

In our children.

In our homes.

In our spouses.

In our parents.

And beyond.

We must remember to spend our peace wisely - respecting that capacity can be our greatest currency when it comes sharing from our pot of abundance with the world.

And spending beyond it, can be the among the poorest.